Lord of the Red Sox 6, Gagne

One of the most interesting stories of the 2007 Red Sox was their "Trade Deadline" move of acquiring Eric Gagne. Gagne did nothing, zip, zero, zilch, nada for the Sox in his first 4 starts, blowing 4 saves, giving up quite a few homers. There was only one character in the Lord of the Rings that what I feel was a perfect match for Gagne...

Many of you should have seen this one coming a mile away.


Scene: Red Sox Dugout after last night's game, only Varitek and Pedroia remain with everyone else having retired to the locker room.


Pedroia: Someone is lurking about the Bullpen…



Tek: It's the creature Gagne, he has been following us since Fenway.



Pedroia: That freakin' guy? It's a pity Theo didn't cut him when he had the chance.



Tek: Pity? It was pity that stayed Theo's hand. Many that play deserve to be released. Some that are released deserve to play. Do not be too eager to mess with the roster. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gagne has some part to play yet, for good or ill before this is over. The pity of Theo may rule the fate of many.

Meanwhile in the Bullpen…Gagne is having a heart to heart with himself.


Gagne-2007: We wants it, we needs it. Must be the closer. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Red Sox. Wicked, tricksy, false!



Gagne-2003: No. Not the Red Sox!



Gagne-2007: Yes, precious, false! They will not let you pitch with the game on the line ever again.



Gagne-2003: The Red Sox are our friends! I can still contribute!



Gagne-2007: You don't have any friends; nobody likes you!



Gagne-2003: I'm not listening... I'm not listening...



Gagne-2007: You're ERA's 7.88 since joining them and you can't find the plate.



Gagne-2003: No!



Gagne-2007: *Four blown saves in Four chances*



Gagne-2003: Go away!



Gagne-2007: "Go away?"


[Gagne-2007 laughs as Gagne-2003 begins crying]



Gagne-2003: I hate you, I hate you.



Gagne-2007: Where would you be without me? I saved us! It was me! We got out of that hell hole in Texas because of me!



Gagne-2003: [stops crying] Not anymore.



Gagne-2007: What did you say?



Gagne-2003: The Red Sox looks after us now. We don't need you anymore.



Gagne-2007: What?



Gagne-2003: Leave now, and never come back!



Gagne-2007: No!




Gagne-2003: Leave now, and never come back!



Gagne-2007 screams in frustration



Gagne-2003: LEAVE! NOW! AND NEVER COME BACK!


[Gagne-2007 vanishes]


Gagne-2003: [looks around] We told him to go away... and away he goes, Precious! Gone, gone, gone! Gagne IS FREE!



(OK, maybe a little wishful thinking on my part, that the 2003 Gagne will show up for the playoffs. But one can dream can't one?)